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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Tillis' Acceptance Speech

This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. The following is a transcript of Senator Tillis' speech to his supporters upon winning the historic election:

You did it! Woo! You did it! I mean, I did it! Everyone, we all did it and now I'm a senator! Oh my God, you guys. I'm an actual senator. What? This is happening! But seriously, you guys, I did, I prepared a thing, I wrote it down, a speech. But now I don't know. I had it here in my... whatsit. Did someone take it? Does anyone have the speech? Aah, doesn't matter. You guys, here's what I wanted to say, so I'll just say it: being the senator isn't just for me. Okay? It's for all of us. You and you and you and you and... hello there. Do I know you from somewhere? I feel like we’ve met. Okay, anyway. Where was I? What? Oh, yeah! Me being elected is for all of us. Because it's "we the people" you know? It's the people's democracy, the people's court, it's the people. So even though I'm the senator now, really, you're the senator and we're all the senator. But, okay okay, I admit it, it’s more me and I don't take that lightly, you know? I'm gonna uphold the best that I can, I really mean that. I'm not going to mess this up. I've messed up a lot of other things, but this is important and I'm not going to mess this up. Because I care about it. I really, I really care, you guys. And I might... Okay, I know I'm crying, but it's just because I'm emotional sometimes. And this means a lot to me and I just, it's like, "thank you" doesn't even start to say what I mean. It's like, I love you all so much and there's pain in this world, there is, but there's more love. There’s so much love in the world. Aah, fuck it. Let's just fucking celebrate! I did it!!

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