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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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Tillis' Acceptance Speech

This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. The following is a transcript of Senator Tillis' speech to his supporters upon winning the historic election:

You did it! Woo! You did it! I mean, I did it! Everyone, we all did it and now I'm a senator! Oh my God, you guys. I'm an actual senator. What? This is happening! But seriously, you guys, I did, I prepared a thing, I wrote it down, a speech. But now I don't know. I had it here in my... whatsit. Did someone take it? Does anyone have the speech? Aah, doesn't matter. You guys, here's what I wanted to say, so I'll just say it: being the senator isn't just for me. Okay? It's for all of us. You and you and you and you and... hello there. Do I know you from somewhere? I feel like we’ve met. Okay, anyway. Where was I? What? Oh, yeah! Me being elected is for all of us. Because it's "we the people" you know? It's the people's democracy, the people's court, it's the people. So even though I'm the senator now, really, you're the senator and we're all the senator. But, okay okay, I admit it, it’s more me and I don't take that lightly, you know? I'm gonna uphold the best that I can, I really mean that. I'm not going to mess this up. I've messed up a lot of other things, but this is important and I'm not going to mess this up. Because I care about it. I really, I really care, you guys. And I might... Okay, I know I'm crying, but it's just because I'm emotional sometimes. And this means a lot to me and I just, it's like, "thank you" doesn't even start to say what I mean. It's like, I love you all so much and there's pain in this world, there is, but there's more love. There’s so much love in the world. Aah, fuck it. Let's just fucking celebrate! I did it!!

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