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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Tillis' Acceptance Speech

This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. The following is a transcript of Senator Tillis' speech to his supporters upon winning the historic election:

You did it! Woo! You did it! I mean, I did it! Everyone, we all did it and now I'm a senator! Oh my God, you guys. I'm an actual senator. What? This is happening! But seriously, you guys, I did, I prepared a thing, I wrote it down, a speech. But now I don't know. I had it here in my... whatsit. Did someone take it? Does anyone have the speech? Aah, doesn't matter. You guys, here's what I wanted to say, so I'll just say it: being the senator isn't just for me. Okay? It's for all of us. You and you and you and you and... hello there. Do I know you from somewhere? I feel like we’ve met. Okay, anyway. Where was I? What? Oh, yeah! Me being elected is for all of us. Because it's "we the people" you know? It's the people's democracy, the people's court, it's the people. So even though I'm the senator now, really, you're the senator and we're all the senator. But, okay okay, I admit it, it’s more me and I don't take that lightly, you know? I'm gonna uphold the best that I can, I really mean that. I'm not going to mess this up. I've messed up a lot of other things, but this is important and I'm not going to mess this up. Because I care about it. I really, I really care, you guys. And I might... Okay, I know I'm crying, but it's just because I'm emotional sometimes. And this means a lot to me and I just, it's like, "thank you" doesn't even start to say what I mean. It's like, I love you all so much and there's pain in this world, there is, but there's more love. There’s so much love in the world. Aah, fuck it. Let's just fucking celebrate! I did it!!

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