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Tillis' Acceptance Speech

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Tillis' Acceptance Speech

This week, the Onion News Network looks back at the political career of Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk senator. The following is a transcript of Senator Tillis' speech to his supporters upon winning the historic election:

You did it! Woo! You did it! I mean, I did it! Everyone, we all did it and now I'm a senator! Oh my God, you guys. I'm an actual senator. What? This is happening! But seriously, you guys, I did, I prepared a thing, I wrote it down, a speech. But now I don't know. I had it here in my... whatsit. Did someone take it? Does anyone have the speech? Aah, doesn't matter. You guys, here's what I wanted to say, so I'll just say it: being the senator isn't just for me. Okay? It's for all of us. You and you and you and you and... hello there. Do I know you from somewhere? I feel like we’ve met. Okay, anyway. Where was I? What? Oh, yeah! Me being elected is for all of us. Because it's "we the people" you know? It's the people's democracy, the people's court, it's the people. So even though I'm the senator now, really, you're the senator and we're all the senator. But, okay okay, I admit it, it’s more me and I don't take that lightly, you know? I'm gonna uphold the best that I can, I really mean that. I'm not going to mess this up. I've messed up a lot of other things, but this is important and I'm not going to mess this up. Because I care about it. I really, I really care, you guys. And I might... Okay, I know I'm crying, but it's just because I'm emotional sometimes. And this means a lot to me and I just, it's like, "thank you" doesn't even start to say what I mean. It's like, I love you all so much and there's pain in this world, there is, but there's more love. There’s so much love in the world. Aah, fuck it. Let's just fucking celebrate! I did it!!

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