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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan held a press conference Monday to unveil the newest style in the Florsheim catalog, called simply "the Duncan." "We really tried to capture the classic styling of the Tilden, paired with the ease and comfort of the Denison—or the Lexington, if you're a wing-tip man," said Duncan, adding that because he helped design the shoe himself, he made certain it would appeal to a basketball player in his mid-30s seeking respectability and comfort, or a man in his mid-80s seeking the same. "We wanted to avoid the classic athlete cliché of going overly flashy with something like a bike toe or cap toe, so we kept it simple; kept it stylish. Those are the principles Milton Florsheim founded this company on in the first place." The press conference concluded with a private screening of Florsheim's new commercial, which features the All-Star center sitting in an empty Spurs locker room reading an e-book, at which point the camera pans to his shoes and the slogan "Style. Comfort. Duncan." appears.

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