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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan held a press conference Monday to unveil the newest style in the Florsheim catalog, called simply "the Duncan." "We really tried to capture the classic styling of the Tilden, paired with the ease and comfort of the Denison—or the Lexington, if you're a wing-tip man," said Duncan, adding that because he helped design the shoe himself, he made certain it would appeal to a basketball player in his mid-30s seeking respectability and comfort, or a man in his mid-80s seeking the same. "We wanted to avoid the classic athlete cliché of going overly flashy with something like a bike toe or cap toe, so we kept it simple; kept it stylish. Those are the principles Milton Florsheim founded this company on in the first place." The press conference concluded with a private screening of Florsheim's new commercial, which features the All-Star center sitting in an empty Spurs locker room reading an e-book, at which point the camera pans to his shoes and the slogan "Style. Comfort. Duncan." appears.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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