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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship

MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to argue that, in theory, no team could win the NBA championship. “Given that an initial field of nonzero size is halved by each round of playoffs, it follows that one may make an arbitrarily large number of such divisions, each time yielding another field of nonzero size,” said Duncan, diagramming his arguments in marker on a dry-erase board for his teammates. “Imagine, if you will, a basketball approaching a backboard from 8 feet, then 4 feet, then 2 feet, and so on. Now ask: When is the ball halfway there? This is my point: that the ball is always halfway there, and continues to be so. I know this is all very abstract, but you understand what I’m saying. The NBA playoffs behave asymptotically, approaching a zero limit but never reaching it.” Duncan then asserted that, assuming the dimension of time is similarly divisible, tonight’s Game 1 tip-off would never occur.

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