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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship

MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to argue that, in theory, no team could win the NBA championship. “Given that an initial field of nonzero size is halved by each round of playoffs, it follows that one may make an arbitrarily large number of such divisions, each time yielding another field of nonzero size,” said Duncan, diagramming his arguments in marker on a dry-erase board for his teammates. “Imagine, if you will, a basketball approaching a backboard from 8 feet, then 4 feet, then 2 feet, and so on. Now ask: When is the ball halfway there? This is my point: that the ball is always halfway there, and continues to be so. I know this is all very abstract, but you understand what I’m saying. The NBA playoffs behave asymptotically, approaching a zero limit but never reaching it.” Duncan then asserted that, assuming the dimension of time is similarly divisible, tonight’s Game 1 tip-off would never occur.

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