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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship

MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to argue that, in theory, no team could win the NBA championship. “Given that an initial field of nonzero size is halved by each round of playoffs, it follows that one may make an arbitrarily large number of such divisions, each time yielding another field of nonzero size,” said Duncan, diagramming his arguments in marker on a dry-erase board for his teammates. “Imagine, if you will, a basketball approaching a backboard from 8 feet, then 4 feet, then 2 feet, and so on. Now ask: When is the ball halfway there? This is my point: that the ball is always halfway there, and continues to be so. I know this is all very abstract, but you understand what I’m saying. The NBA playoffs behave asymptotically, approaching a zero limit but never reaching it.” Duncan then asserted that, assuming the dimension of time is similarly divisible, tonight’s Game 1 tip-off would never occur.

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