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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester

SAN ANTONIO—Stressing that it is a “very complicated socioeconomic issue,” Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged teammates Thursday to come to him with any questions or concerns they may have about the automatic federal spending cuts enacted by the ongoing government sequester. “You might not think it affects you guys, but San Antonio’s transportation infrastructure has already taken a hit due to forced staffing cuts, not to mention the potential $67 million loss of education funding,” said the three-time NBA Finals MVP, who recently sent the team a mass e-mail with a comprehensive breakdown of the $85 billion in cuts at both the federal and statewide level. “I’ll be around after practice, and if anything comes up later or you’d prefer to talk one-on-one, feel free to call me at home. I also have some additional literature on the subject, including Bob Woodward’s controversial The Price Of Politics, if you’re interested in reading up on sequestration yourself.” At press time, Duncan was e-mailing his local congressmen to suggest a $55 billion reduction in defense spending and a 4 percent tax increase on adjusted gross incomes over $5 million in order to balance the budget.

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