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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester

SAN ANTONIO—Stressing that it is a “very complicated socioeconomic issue,” Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged teammates Thursday to come to him with any questions or concerns they may have about the automatic federal spending cuts enacted by the ongoing government sequester. “You might not think it affects you guys, but San Antonio’s transportation infrastructure has already taken a hit due to forced staffing cuts, not to mention the potential $67 million loss of education funding,” said the three-time NBA Finals MVP, who recently sent the team a mass e-mail with a comprehensive breakdown of the $85 billion in cuts at both the federal and statewide level. “I’ll be around after practice, and if anything comes up later or you’d prefer to talk one-on-one, feel free to call me at home. I also have some additional literature on the subject, including Bob Woodward’s controversial The Price Of Politics, if you’re interested in reading up on sequestration yourself.” At press time, Duncan was e-mailing his local congressmen to suggest a $55 billion reduction in defense spending and a 4 percent tax increase on adjusted gross incomes over $5 million in order to balance the budget.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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