Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester

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Vol 49 Issue 10

Iowa Fashion Week Begins

DES MOINES, IA—The greater Des Moines area was abuzz with excitement Monday as Iowa’s annual Fashion Week officially kicked off, opening a busy seven days of runway shows and clothing exhibitions showcasing Iowa’s hottest new styles from...

Albany Bucket Museum

Learn about the history of buckets with a self-guided tour through the museum's four fascinating exhibits, then sit down and watch the hourly documentary about buckets and their role in winning America's independence.

God Worried He Fucked Up His Children

THE HEAVENS—Saying that maybe He wasn’t around enough and could have expressed His divine love a little better throughout the history of mankind, Our Lord God and Almighty Father expressed concern Thursday that He might have fucked up His chil...

Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert

Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was seen struggling during a performance of “Beauty and a Beat” at a show in London last night before walking off stage and fainting out of view of the audience, and was later taken to a hospital.
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Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester

SAN ANTONIO—Stressing that it is a “very complicated socioeconomic issue,” Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged teammates Thursday to come to him with any questions or concerns they may have about the automatic federal spending cuts enacted by the ongoing government sequester. “You might not think it affects you guys, but San Antonio’s transportation infrastructure has already taken a hit due to forced staffing cuts, not to mention the potential $67 million loss of education funding,” said the three-time NBA Finals MVP, who recently sent the team a mass e-mail with a comprehensive breakdown of the $85 billion in cuts at both the federal and statewide level. “I’ll be around after practice, and if anything comes up later or you’d prefer to talk one-on-one, feel free to call me at home. I also have some additional literature on the subject, including Bob Woodward’s controversial The Price Of Politics, if you’re interested in reading up on sequestration yourself.” At press time, Duncan was e-mailing his local congressmen to suggest a $55 billion reduction in defense spending and a 4 percent tax increase on adjusted gross incomes over $5 million in order to balance the budget.

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