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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route

SAN ANTONIO—Having already filed a special event permit application with the city government, sources confirmed Tuesday that Spurs power forward Tim Duncan has been working diligently at the San Antonio zoning office to finalize the route of the team’s upcoming NBA championship parade. “We’re going to have a huge turnout tomorrow, so we should cordon off designated standing areas to ensure that traffic isn’t obstructed heading downtown,” Duncan reportedly said while poring over a large map of the city, estimating that roughly 500 4-foot-tall barricades would be required to ensure fan safety along the parade route. “I’m fine with allowing spectators near Rivercenter Mall, but only if we set up first aid tents and mark clear walking paths toward restroom facilities and street exits. The 2005 parade actually caused quite a bit of congestion on Market Street, so we should do our best to avoid any similar headaches this year.” At press time, Duncan was composing a lengthy email to teammates reminding them not to bring any glass containers or alcoholic beverages with them, as such items will not be permitted at the parade.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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