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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route

SAN ANTONIO—Having already filed a special event permit application with the city government, sources confirmed Tuesday that Spurs power forward Tim Duncan has been working diligently at the San Antonio zoning office to finalize the route of the team’s upcoming NBA championship parade. “We’re going to have a huge turnout tomorrow, so we should cordon off designated standing areas to ensure that traffic isn’t obstructed heading downtown,” Duncan reportedly said while poring over a large map of the city, estimating that roughly 500 4-foot-tall barricades would be required to ensure fan safety along the parade route. “I’m fine with allowing spectators near Rivercenter Mall, but only if we set up first aid tents and mark clear walking paths toward restroom facilities and street exits. The 2005 parade actually caused quite a bit of congestion on Market Street, so we should do our best to avoid any similar headaches this year.” At press time, Duncan was composing a lengthy email to teammates reminding them not to bring any glass containers or alcoholic beverages with them, as such items will not be permitted at the parade.

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