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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route

SAN ANTONIO—Having already filed a special event permit application with the city government, sources confirmed Tuesday that Spurs power forward Tim Duncan has been working diligently at the San Antonio zoning office to finalize the route of the team’s upcoming NBA championship parade. “We’re going to have a huge turnout tomorrow, so we should cordon off designated standing areas to ensure that traffic isn’t obstructed heading downtown,” Duncan reportedly said while poring over a large map of the city, estimating that roughly 500 4-foot-tall barricades would be required to ensure fan safety along the parade route. “I’m fine with allowing spectators near Rivercenter Mall, but only if we set up first aid tents and mark clear walking paths toward restroom facilities and street exits. The 2005 parade actually caused quite a bit of congestion on Market Street, so we should do our best to avoid any similar headaches this year.” At press time, Duncan was composing a lengthy email to teammates reminding them not to bring any glass containers or alcoholic beverages with them, as such items will not be permitted at the parade.

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