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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot

SAN ANTONIO—Immediately after releasing a 12-foot jump shot Tuesday night, Spurs center Tim Duncan called out the angle necessary for the ball to bank off the backboard and into the basket. "Forty-six-point-seven degrees," said the airborne Duncan, also noting the ball's initial upward velocity of 14.4 meters per second after a moment of mental calculation. "Two points." According to team sources, when teammate Tony Parker failed to call out the angle of a bank shot later in the game, Duncan glared at the point guard for the entire fourth quarter.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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