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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tim Duncan Encourages Teammates To Be Fathers First, Basketball Players Second

SAN ANTONIO—In an effort to inspire the team before Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, Spurs captain Tim Duncan reportedly reminded his teammates Friday to always put their duties as fathers before their jobs as basketball players. “What you do on this court is nothing compared to what you do at home for your children,” said Duncan, adding that what this country lacks most is not basketball players but mature men. “The playoffs end in June, but the responsibilities of fatherhood? Those are year-round. Guys, it doesn’t matter if you score 10,000 points or win three NBA championships—spending time with your kids: that’s the championship. This is just a game, after all.” Duncan then referred his teammates to a study showing that children with absent fathers were more likely to have behavioral problems than those whose fathers were present and involved in their lives.

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