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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tim Duncan Encourages Teammates To Be Fathers First, Basketball Players Second

SAN ANTONIO—In an effort to inspire the team before Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, Spurs captain Tim Duncan reportedly reminded his teammates Friday to always put their duties as fathers before their jobs as basketball players. “What you do on this court is nothing compared to what you do at home for your children,” said Duncan, adding that what this country lacks most is not basketball players but mature men. “The playoffs end in June, but the responsibilities of fatherhood? Those are year-round. Guys, it doesn’t matter if you score 10,000 points or win three NBA championships—spending time with your kids: that’s the championship. This is just a game, after all.” Duncan then referred his teammates to a study showing that children with absent fathers were more likely to have behavioral problems than those whose fathers were present and involved in their lives.

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