adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tim Duncan Fires Up Teammates With Calm, Moderated, Three-Hour Pep Talk

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan quieted a raucous San Antonio locker room three hours before their Game 7 matchup against the Dallas Mavericks Monday night in an attempt to carefully and calmly explain what he expected from each one of his teammates. "The structure of the talk was solid, the content was well-informed, and he didn't raise his voice once to make a point," said San Antonio guard Tony Parker, with whom Duncan also talked in Parker's native French to make sure they were clear on every detail. "When he decided to let each one of us say something positive, he made sure that, in order to prevent one person from talking over another, only the San Antonio Spur holding the basketball was allowed to speak." At the conclusion of the game, a 119-111 Spurs loss, Duncan gathered his team again and gave comprehensive notes on where they went wrong and where they could improve for next year.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close