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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tim Duncan Fires Up Teammates With Calm, Moderated, Three-Hour Pep Talk

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan quieted a raucous San Antonio locker room three hours before their Game 7 matchup against the Dallas Mavericks Monday night in an attempt to carefully and calmly explain what he expected from each one of his teammates. "The structure of the talk was solid, the content was well-informed, and he didn't raise his voice once to make a point," said San Antonio guard Tony Parker, with whom Duncan also talked in Parker's native French to make sure they were clear on every detail. "When he decided to let each one of us say something positive, he made sure that, in order to prevent one person from talking over another, only the San Antonio Spur holding the basketball was allowed to speak." At the conclusion of the game, a 119-111 Spurs loss, Duncan gathered his team again and gave comprehensive notes on where they went wrong and where they could improve for next year.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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