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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tim Duncan Forwards Story About Particle Accelerator To Spurs Teammates

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan once again attempted to simultaneously bond with his teammates and enrich their lives on Tuesday when the two-time NBA MVP forwarded an article about the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator, to each player on the Spurs. "I hope they found reading about the Large Hadron Collider experiment to recreate the first instants in the birth of our universe as engaging as I did," Duncan said, adding that if his teammates respond positively to the article, he would also send them a related article on quantum chromodynamics recently published in Scientific American. "It will be interesting to find out if they have similar theories about space, matter, and time." In the past three months, Duncan has reportedly forwarded articles on the evolution of the roseola virus, the technology of geothermal energy research, and caring for koi fish in a backyard pond.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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