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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs forward Tim Duncan engaged in a rare display of showmanship during Tuesday's win over the Thunder, punctuating a 10-foot jumper with a nearly imperceptible upward motion of his left eyebrow. "I saw him do it, and I was like, 'What! What was that?'" said teammate Michael Finley, who compared the display to a 2006 game in which Duncan gave the crowd an unexpected and nearly flamboyant thumbs-up. "We were playing pretty flat, but Timmy flickered his eyebrow like that and it energized the whole team. Everyone thinks he's so stoic, but he knows how to have a good time. Once, in the locker room, he almost winked. Wild." When asked about this display, Tim Duncan denied any intent to show anyone up and personally called every member of the Thunder organization to apologize.

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