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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs forward Tim Duncan engaged in a rare display of showmanship during Tuesday's win over the Thunder, punctuating a 10-foot jumper with a nearly imperceptible upward motion of his left eyebrow. "I saw him do it, and I was like, 'What! What was that?'" said teammate Michael Finley, who compared the display to a 2006 game in which Duncan gave the crowd an unexpected and nearly flamboyant thumbs-up. "We were playing pretty flat, but Timmy flickered his eyebrow like that and it energized the whole team. Everyone thinks he's so stoic, but he knows how to have a good time. Once, in the locker room, he almost winked. Wild." When asked about this display, Tim Duncan denied any intent to show anyone up and personally called every member of the Thunder organization to apologize.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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