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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett Get Into Argument Over Who's Taller

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Two weeks after Kevin Garnett called him "shorty," Tim Duncan, the normally mild-mannered San Antonio Spurs center, lashed out against the Minnesota Timberwolves star following a heated height contest Monday night. "He clearly went on his tip-toes," Duncan said. "Also, note that I play center and he plays forward, and it's common knowledge that centers are always taller than forwards." Duncan, who offers as proof of his superior height the fact that his shoulders are higher up than Garnett's, also asked his former teammate David Robinson for his opinion. "I remember Kevin being a tad taller, but I'm not 100 percent sure," Robinson said. "However, I know them both to be men of exceptional height, definitely taller than most people." Both men are officially listed at 6 feet 11 inches, although Duncan would not rule out the possibility of a late-life growth spurt eventually making him "way taller."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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