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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett Get Into Argument Over Who's Taller

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Two weeks after Kevin Garnett called him "shorty," Tim Duncan, the normally mild-mannered San Antonio Spurs center, lashed out against the Minnesota Timberwolves star following a heated height contest Monday night. "He clearly went on his tip-toes," Duncan said. "Also, note that I play center and he plays forward, and it's common knowledge that centers are always taller than forwards." Duncan, who offers as proof of his superior height the fact that his shoulders are higher up than Garnett's, also asked his former teammate David Robinson for his opinion. "I remember Kevin being a tad taller, but I'm not 100 percent sure," Robinson said. "However, I know them both to be men of exceptional height, definitely taller than most people." Both men are officially listed at 6 feet 11 inches, although Duncan would not rule out the possibility of a late-life growth spurt eventually making him "way taller."

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