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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett Get Into Argument Over Who's Taller

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Two weeks after Kevin Garnett called him "shorty," Tim Duncan, the normally mild-mannered San Antonio Spurs center, lashed out against the Minnesota Timberwolves star following a heated height contest Monday night. "He clearly went on his tip-toes," Duncan said. "Also, note that I play center and he plays forward, and it's common knowledge that centers are always taller than forwards." Duncan, who offers as proof of his superior height the fact that his shoulders are higher up than Garnett's, also asked his former teammate David Robinson for his opinion. "I remember Kevin being a tad taller, but I'm not 100 percent sure," Robinson said. "However, I know them both to be men of exceptional height, definitely taller than most people." Both men are officially listed at 6 feet 11 inches, although Duncan would not rule out the possibility of a late-life growth spurt eventually making him "way taller."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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