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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan took officiating into his own hands Saturday when he made a citizen's foul call on Kings guard Kevin Martin, calling the 6-foot-7-inch Martin for a reaching violation during the Spurs' 113-94 victory. "We didn't catch the illegal use of hands, but luckily Tim blew the whistle he usually wears during games," said official Joe DeRosa, who assisted Duncan in filling out the various exhaustive citizen's foul-call forms after the game. "Tim was very cooperative when identifying the offender and reporting the situation to the scorer's table. And I was impressed by his strong belief that the rules should apply to everyone, which he displayed when he called [teammate] Keith Bogans for blocking later in the game." When asked for comment, Duncan told reporters that it was his responsibility as a rule-abiding player not to sit idly by while there is "so much wrong being done on the basketball court every single day."

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