Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call

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Vol 45 Issue 45

College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School

COCONUT CREEK, FL—"I'm back, Bayshore High," 18-year-old Henry Doyle announced as he pulled his mother's Toyota Camry slowly into the parking lot normally reserved for faculty, emerging with a knowing grin. "Bet you never thought you'd see the likes of me again!"

Just Area Man's Luck

KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...

Ohio Legalized Casinos

Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think?

Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

FINDLAY,OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today.
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan took officiating into his own hands Saturday when he made a citizen's foul call on Kings guard Kevin Martin, calling the 6-foot-7-inch Martin for a reaching violation during the Spurs' 113-94 victory. "We didn't catch the illegal use of hands, but luckily Tim blew the whistle he usually wears during games," said official Joe DeRosa, who assisted Duncan in filling out the various exhaustive citizen's foul-call forms after the game. "Tim was very cooperative when identifying the offender and reporting the situation to the scorer's table. And I was impressed by his strong belief that the rules should apply to everyone, which he displayed when he called [teammate] Keith Bogans for blocking later in the game." When asked for comment, Duncan told reporters that it was his responsibility as a rule-abiding player not to sit idly by while there is "so much wrong being done on the basketball court every single day."

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