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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’re an excellent counselor, and you’ve been doing a bang-up job with these filings so far, but if you ever need any assistance, I’d be more than happy to help,” Duncan reportedly told attorney Adam Whitley, noting that certain issues pertaining to alimony, financial disclosure, and joint custody agreements can often be “a little tricky.” “Especially when you get into those complex Texas statutes surrounding the proper division of assets and debt, it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to go over the paperwork. And, by the way, if you haven’t already checked it out, Divorce And Family Mediation: Models, Techniques, And Applications is an indispensable resource as far as dissolution law goes. I can lend you my copy if you’re interested.” Duncan added that should Whitley have any further questions regarding the legal proceedings accompanying the end of his marriage, he should feel free to call him at any point during the Spurs’ upcoming championship series.

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