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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’re an excellent counselor, and you’ve been doing a bang-up job with these filings so far, but if you ever need any assistance, I’d be more than happy to help,” Duncan reportedly told attorney Adam Whitley, noting that certain issues pertaining to alimony, financial disclosure, and joint custody agreements can often be “a little tricky.” “Especially when you get into those complex Texas statutes surrounding the proper division of assets and debt, it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to go over the paperwork. And, by the way, if you haven’t already checked it out, Divorce And Family Mediation: Models, Techniques, And Applications is an indispensable resource as far as dissolution law goes. I can lend you my copy if you’re interested.” Duncan added that should Whitley have any further questions regarding the legal proceedings accompanying the end of his marriage, he should feel free to call him at any point during the Spurs’ upcoming championship series.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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