adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’re an excellent counselor, and you’ve been doing a bang-up job with these filings so far, but if you ever need any assistance, I’d be more than happy to help,” Duncan reportedly told attorney Adam Whitley, noting that certain issues pertaining to alimony, financial disclosure, and joint custody agreements can often be “a little tricky.” “Especially when you get into those complex Texas statutes surrounding the proper division of assets and debt, it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to go over the paperwork. And, by the way, if you haven’t already checked it out, Divorce And Family Mediation: Models, Techniques, And Applications is an indispensable resource as far as dissolution law goes. I can lend you my copy if you’re interested.” Duncan added that should Whitley have any further questions regarding the legal proceedings accompanying the end of his marriage, he should feel free to call him at any point during the Spurs’ upcoming championship series.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close