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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You’re an excellent counselor, and you’ve been doing a bang-up job with these filings so far, but if you ever need any assistance, I’d be more than happy to help,” Duncan reportedly told attorney Adam Whitley, noting that certain issues pertaining to alimony, financial disclosure, and joint custody agreements can often be “a little tricky.” “Especially when you get into those complex Texas statutes surrounding the proper division of assets and debt, it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to go over the paperwork. And, by the way, if you haven’t already checked it out, Divorce And Family Mediation: Models, Techniques, And Applications is an indispensable resource as far as dissolution law goes. I can lend you my copy if you’re interested.” Duncan added that should Whitley have any further questions regarding the legal proceedings accompanying the end of his marriage, he should feel free to call him at any point during the Spurs’ upcoming championship series.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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