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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tim Duncan Offers To Do Taxes For Entire Spurs Team

SAN ANTONIO—As the playoffs grow nearer, Spurs center Tim Duncan has taken it on himself to ensure his team is focused, relaxed, and utterly prepared for tax day by offering to complete their state and federal forms himself. "C'mon, guys, just a couple days left in the regular season, and you know what that means—get your W-2s to me as soon as you can, plus records of any memorabilia sales or shoe endorsements you've done, and just as important, tell me about any deductible expenses you've incurred," Duncan told him teammates during a time-out with 3:40 left to play in the Spurs' 72-65 win over the Trailblazers Sunday. "Tony, I bet you put all your receipts in a shoebox again, didn't you? Manu, tell me if you've been sending more than 37 percent of your income overseas, because that's a whole different set of declaration forms I have to print out. Okay, got it? Break!" Duncan later disclosed to reporters that he paid over $865,000 in late-filing fees for the 2007 Spurs.

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