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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Duncan Offers To Do Taxes For Entire Spurs Team

SAN ANTONIO—As the playoffs grow nearer, Spurs center Tim Duncan has taken it on himself to ensure his team is focused, relaxed, and utterly prepared for tax day by offering to complete their state and federal forms himself. "C'mon, guys, just a couple days left in the regular season, and you know what that means—get your W-2s to me as soon as you can, plus records of any memorabilia sales or shoe endorsements you've done, and just as important, tell me about any deductible expenses you've incurred," Duncan told him teammates during a time-out with 3:40 left to play in the Spurs' 72-65 win over the Trailblazers Sunday. "Tony, I bet you put all your receipts in a shoebox again, didn't you? Manu, tell me if you've been sending more than 37 percent of your income overseas, because that's a whole different set of declaration forms I have to print out. Okay, got it? Break!" Duncan later disclosed to reporters that he paid over $865,000 in late-filing fees for the 2007 Spurs.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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