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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tim Duncan Offers To Drive NBA Players To Polling Place On Election Day

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail message to his fellow NBA players Tuesday volunteering to use his 1992 Buick LeSabre to chauffeur anyone "who needs a ride" to his assigned polling place to vote in the 2008 presidential election. "It's our responsibility to cast that ballot so that our democracy may continue working properly," wrote Duncan, adding that he was confident that every eligible member of the NBA was registered to vote and had been closely following all the 2008 races for months. "There's no need to feel pressure to tell me who you're voting for—that information is between you and the voting machine. All I ask is that you please be at the curb on time, buckle up, and treat my car with respect." According to Duncan, the "huge response" has forced him to schedule two separate trips, which he has detailed in a Google calendar and shared with all participants.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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