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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tim Duncan Sends Out 3-Month Warning To Inform Spurs Of Upcoming Season Opener

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail with the subject heading "REMINDER! OPENING TIP-OFF COMING!!!" to all of his teammates Tuesday, urging them to keep Wednesday, Oct. 27, completely free because that is the night they play the Indiana Pacers in the 2010-2011 NBA season opener. "Please do not plan anything that entire day, as there will be a pregame meal, a mandatory pregame shoot around, warm-ups, and the game against the Indiana Pacers. Afterwards, plan on Coach Gregg Popovich addressing us in the team locker room for five to 10 minutes," Duncan's e-mail reads before going on to mention that he would be at the arena extra early to help with parking or anything else that might come up. "Remember, the game is at home at the AT&T Center. If you like, I can send you directions to the game based on the addresses I currently have on file. Please, if anything has changed, notify me." Explaining that he didn't want a repeat of last year's scheduling snafu, Duncan concluded the message by reminding his teammates that the Spurs haven't played in the Alamodome since 2002.

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