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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Duncan Sends Out 3-Month Warning To Inform Spurs Of Upcoming Season Opener

SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan sent an e-mail with the subject heading "REMINDER! OPENING TIP-OFF COMING!!!" to all of his teammates Tuesday, urging them to keep Wednesday, Oct. 27, completely free because that is the night they play the Indiana Pacers in the 2010-2011 NBA season opener. "Please do not plan anything that entire day, as there will be a pregame meal, a mandatory pregame shoot around, warm-ups, and the game against the Indiana Pacers. Afterwards, plan on Coach Gregg Popovich addressing us in the team locker room for five to 10 minutes," Duncan's e-mail reads before going on to mention that he would be at the arena extra early to help with parking or anything else that might come up. "Remember, the game is at home at the AT&T Center. If you like, I can send you directions to the game based on the addresses I currently have on file. Please, if anything has changed, notify me." Explaining that he didn't want a repeat of last year's scheduling snafu, Duncan concluded the message by reminding his teammates that the Spurs haven't played in the Alamodome since 2002.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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