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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day

SAN ANTONIO—For nearly a week, Spurs center Tim Duncan has reportedly emailed his teammates invitations to join him on Google’s new social networking site, Google+. “Please join soon, as I’ve already begun sharing game plans and upcoming events via Google+’s Circles feature,” Duncan wrote in an email Tuesday, adding that team chemistry “may suffer” if people don’t have access to each other’s +1’s. “I’ve pinned the San Antonio Spurs under my Sparks, and you should too as soon as you’ve set up your profiles. And, also, guys, please switch out your old Comcast and Earthlink email accounts for new GMail ones so we can communicate easier via Google Groups.” As of press time, no Spurs player has entered Duncan’s current Google+ Hangout.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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