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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles

‘It’s Best To Build Them Up For One Big Trip,’ All-Star Says

SAN ANTONIO—Conversing with teammates during practice Friday, Spurs center Tim Duncan urged San Antonio’s players to be smarter with their frequent-flyer miles by accumulating the reward points for one big trip rather than squandering them little by little. “I can’t stress enough how important it is to practice restraint and never cash your miles for a domestic flight, even if it’s for a vacation,” Duncan was overheard telling guard Kawhi Leonard, at one point bringing the 22-year-old over to a whiteboard to explain how it was more prudent to save the frequent-flyer miles for a trip to an international destination. “Just remember to keep your composure and wait. You never know when an emergency might pop up and you’ll desperately need the miles. I also want to emphasize that if you’re not all using credit cards with miles bonuses, you’re missing out on an excellent opportunity.” At press time, several Spurs reported receiving emails notifying them that they had been shared on a Google doc titled “Tim’s Travel Tips” and a spreadsheet named “Budgeting Your FF Miles.”

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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