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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles

‘It’s Best To Build Them Up For One Big Trip,’ All-Star Says

SAN ANTONIO—Conversing with teammates during practice Friday, Spurs center Tim Duncan urged San Antonio’s players to be smarter with their frequent-flyer miles by accumulating the reward points for one big trip rather than squandering them little by little. “I can’t stress enough how important it is to practice restraint and never cash your miles for a domestic flight, even if it’s for a vacation,” Duncan was overheard telling guard Kawhi Leonard, at one point bringing the 22-year-old over to a whiteboard to explain how it was more prudent to save the frequent-flyer miles for a trip to an international destination. “Just remember to keep your composure and wait. You never know when an emergency might pop up and you’ll desperately need the miles. I also want to emphasize that if you’re not all using credit cards with miles bonuses, you’re missing out on an excellent opportunity.” At press time, several Spurs reported receiving emails notifying them that they had been shared on a Google doc titled “Tim’s Travel Tips” and a spreadsheet named “Budgeting Your FF Miles.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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