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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe

RICHMOND, VA—Inciting further speculation that Virginia governor Tim Kaine would be named Sen. Barack Obama's running mate, snickering reports from the Kaine household have indicated that the 50-year-old father of three has the experience and leadership qualities necessary to become vice president—assuming the position is vice president of being a total dork. "Oh, sure, yeah, [Kaine] is definitely ready to fill out the ticket by appealing to white blue-collar workers and Latinos," said Tim Kaine expert and daughter Annella Kaine, 13. "Not! He'll probably be like, 'Vote for me and I'll make everyone go to bed early. Derr, derr, derr.'" For now, no official decision has been announced regarding the Democratic ticket, and Kaine's children continue to maintain that nothing short of a high-level cabinet position will convince them to allow their dad to talk to any of their friends.

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