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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Tim Kaine's Children: Tim Kaine Could Be Vice President Of Lameness, Maybe

RICHMOND, VA—Inciting further speculation that Virginia governor Tim Kaine would be named Sen. Barack Obama's running mate, snickering reports from the Kaine household have indicated that the 50-year-old father of three has the experience and leadership qualities necessary to become vice president—assuming the position is vice president of being a total dork. "Oh, sure, yeah, [Kaine] is definitely ready to fill out the ticket by appealing to white blue-collar workers and Latinos," said Tim Kaine expert and daughter Annella Kaine, 13. "Not! He'll probably be like, 'Vote for me and I'll make everyone go to bed early. Derr, derr, derr.'" For now, no official decision has been announced regarding the Democratic ticket, and Kaine's children continue to maintain that nothing short of a high-level cabinet position will convince them to allow their dad to talk to any of their friends.

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