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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Tim McCarver Delivers Incoherent, Unintelligible Retirement Announcement

SARASOTA, FL—After more than 30 years in the broadcast booth, Fox Sports MLB commentator Tim McCarver announced his retirement last week in an incoherent, largely unintelligible speech. “Well, when you, uh, get to my age, there are two options: retire or keep going. And so that’s what I’m gonna do,” said McCarver in his rambling, muddled farewell, in which reporters suspect the veteran sportscaster expressed gratitude for his fellow broadcasters, “the sport of baseball,” and “the great man of Bob Selig” [sic]. “The thing about Tim McCarver—that’s me—is you’ve gotta appreciate a guy going out like that. And respect the game. Which is what I think I’m doing here, and that’s what I think people will, uh, believe he’s doing. And do it the correct way. Right, Joe?” Though McCarver ranks as one of baseball’s most recognizable media personalities, early reports indicate that most fans remain unaware of his retirement, as they have become accustomed to subconsciously tuning out everything the analyst says.

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