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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tim McCarver Delivers Incoherent, Unintelligible Retirement Announcement

SARASOTA, FL—After more than 30 years in the broadcast booth, Fox Sports MLB commentator Tim McCarver announced his retirement last week in an incoherent, largely unintelligible speech. “Well, when you, uh, get to my age, there are two options: retire or keep going. And so that’s what I’m gonna do,” said McCarver in his rambling, muddled farewell, in which reporters suspect the veteran sportscaster expressed gratitude for his fellow broadcasters, “the sport of baseball,” and “the great man of Bob Selig” [sic]. “The thing about Tim McCarver—that’s me—is you’ve gotta appreciate a guy going out like that. And respect the game. Which is what I think I’m doing here, and that’s what I think people will, uh, believe he’s doing. And do it the correct way. Right, Joe?” Though McCarver ranks as one of baseball’s most recognizable media personalities, early reports indicate that most fans remain unaware of his retirement, as they have become accustomed to subconsciously tuning out everything the analyst says.

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