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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tim Tebow Absolutely Horrified After First Phone Conversation With Rex Ryan

NEW YORK—Confusion, disgust, and terror were among the emotions new Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reported feeling after a 20-minute phone call with New York coach Rex Ryan. "Coach Ryan is a very…expressive person. Really descriptive. He can be a little vulgar, though," the visibly distraught Tebow told reporters while attempting to hold a glass of ice water steady enough to drink from it. "He told me what he wants the Jets to do next year. Then he told me I'd like New York, and why. Then he told me about, about the 'fun' we are all going to have together. That was most of the call. I have to go now. I have to call my parents. I have to be alone for a while." Coach Ryan said he enjoyed talking with Tebow, whom he described as "a nice, quiet kid with a good head for football who gasps a lot when you talk about poontang."

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