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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Tim Tebow Just Sitting By Himself In Darkened Florida Gators Football Stadium

GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was reportedly sitting alone in the darkness of his alma mater’s deserted football stadium, sources confirmed Wednesday.

According to eyewitnesses, Tebow has been in the same seat at the 50-yard line for several hours and was spotted staring wistfully across his old home field, holding his head in his hands as a flood of familiar memories swept him back in time.

“What happened?” said Tebow, who was overheard murmuring while imagining the stadium filled with the throngs of adoring fans who once chanted his name and cheered every single yard he gained. “Whatever happened to that?”

Further reports indicated that Tebow then sat and listened to the silence of 90,000 empty seats for several minutes before finally letting out a long, heavy-hearted sigh, recalling the mighty roar that filled Ben Hill Griffin Stadium the day he announced he would forego the 2009 NFL draft and return for his senior season.

With the crowd’s shouts of “We love you, Tim!” and “You can do anything!” still echoing in his ears, the Heisman Trophy winner reportedly gazed at a banner reading “This is Gator Country” and remembered a time, not so long ago, when those words were synonymous with his name: Tim Tebow.

“Tim Tebow, the hero,” Tebow said quietly. “The one everyone is counting on.”

Sources confirmed that as the former Gators quarterback continued to think about his past as a college superstar, a vivid scene reportedly formed in the once so promising 25-year-old’s mind and Tebow saw himself taking a snap at the 20-yard line, bursting through a hole, leaping over defenders, churning closer and closer to the end zone.

“Touchdown!” whispered Tebow, realizing even then that he would never recapture the glory of those November evenings in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. “Touchdown, Gators! Florida is going to win again!”

However, a fearful expression then reportedly crossed Tebow’s face as he suddenly envisioned the cackling likeness of Rex Ryan standing at midfield, pointing at the former All-American and telling him that no NFL team will ever sign him as anything but a running back or tight end.

Tebow, who sources confirmed shook his head in an apparent attempt to dispel the haunting image, did not get up from the seat, instead staying in the same place and trying to focus on the memory of setting the record for most rushing touchdowns in team history.

At press time, University of Florida grounds crew workers had reportedly approached Tebow and requested that he leave the premises immediately.

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