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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
End Of Section
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Tim Tebow Just Sitting By Himself In Darkened Florida Gators Football Stadium

GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was reportedly sitting alone in the darkness of his alma mater’s deserted football stadium, sources confirmed Wednesday.

According to eyewitnesses, Tebow has been in the same seat at the 50-yard line for several hours and was spotted staring wistfully across his old home field, holding his head in his hands as a flood of familiar memories swept him back in time.

“What happened?” said Tebow, who was overheard murmuring while imagining the stadium filled with the throngs of adoring fans who once chanted his name and cheered every single yard he gained. “Whatever happened to that?”

Further reports indicated that Tebow then sat and listened to the silence of 90,000 empty seats for several minutes before finally letting out a long, heavy-hearted sigh, recalling the mighty roar that filled Ben Hill Griffin Stadium the day he announced he would forego the 2009 NFL draft and return for his senior season.

With the crowd’s shouts of “We love you, Tim!” and “You can do anything!” still echoing in his ears, the Heisman Trophy winner reportedly gazed at a banner reading “This is Gator Country” and remembered a time, not so long ago, when those words were synonymous with his name: Tim Tebow.

“Tim Tebow, the hero,” Tebow said quietly. “The one everyone is counting on.”

Sources confirmed that as the former Gators quarterback continued to think about his past as a college superstar, a vivid scene reportedly formed in the once so promising 25-year-old’s mind and Tebow saw himself taking a snap at the 20-yard line, bursting through a hole, leaping over defenders, churning closer and closer to the end zone.

“Touchdown!” whispered Tebow, realizing even then that he would never recapture the glory of those November evenings in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. “Touchdown, Gators! Florida is going to win again!”

However, a fearful expression then reportedly crossed Tebow’s face as he suddenly envisioned the cackling likeness of Rex Ryan standing at midfield, pointing at the former All-American and telling him that no NFL team will ever sign him as anything but a running back or tight end.

Tebow, who sources confirmed shook his head in an apparent attempt to dispel the haunting image, did not get up from the seat, instead staying in the same place and trying to focus on the memory of setting the record for most rushing touchdowns in team history.

At press time, University of Florida grounds crew workers had reportedly approached Tebow and requested that he leave the premises immediately.

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