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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tim Tebow Puts Empty Gatorade Cups In Wildcat Formation On Jets Bench

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly sat alone during Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, arranging empty Gatorade cups in the wildcat formation and running plays across the bench. “I walked over there and he was muttering something to one of the cups about it having ‘unique skills’ that would make the wildcat a powerful offensive weapon,” said Jets defensive lineman Mike DeVito, adding that there was also a Tebow-voiced analyst cup that said cups in the wildcat provided the only chance to win the game. “At one point he had all those cups join together in a circle, and he closed his eyes like he was praying with them.” With the game on the line in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter, Jets coach Rex Ryan turned to Tebow to ask for the cups back, as team members who were playing in the game were reportedly thirsty.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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