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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tim Tebow Puts Empty Gatorade Cups In Wildcat Formation On Jets Bench

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly sat alone during Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, arranging empty Gatorade cups in the wildcat formation and running plays across the bench. “I walked over there and he was muttering something to one of the cups about it having ‘unique skills’ that would make the wildcat a powerful offensive weapon,” said Jets defensive lineman Mike DeVito, adding that there was also a Tebow-voiced analyst cup that said cups in the wildcat provided the only chance to win the game. “At one point he had all those cups join together in a circle, and he closed his eyes like he was praying with them.” With the game on the line in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter, Jets coach Rex Ryan turned to Tebow to ask for the cups back, as team members who were playing in the game were reportedly thirsty.

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