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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tim Tebow Spends All Night Refreshing Jets Depth Chart On ESPN.com

NEW YORK—Following the Jets 23-17 Monday night loss to the Houston Texans, Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly stayed up until morning compulsively refreshing the team’s depth chart on ESPN.com to see if his name had been switched to the starting position. Sources confirmed Tebow repeatedly clicked the browser’s “reload” icon and created several new tabs of the Jets’ depth chart page, apparently suspecting the content would be updated at any moment. “Come on, come on,” said the third-year player, who at several points checked the analogous depth chart at SportsIllustrated.com “just in case they updated it first.” “Come on—it still says second string.” Shortly before falling asleep at 5:15 a.m., a bleary-eyed Tebow told reporters he was certain the number next to his name had, for a fraction of a second, switched to a three.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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