adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tim Tebow Spends All Night Refreshing Jets Depth Chart On ESPN.com

NEW YORK—Following the Jets 23-17 Monday night loss to the Houston Texans, Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly stayed up until morning compulsively refreshing the team’s depth chart on ESPN.com to see if his name had been switched to the starting position. Sources confirmed Tebow repeatedly clicked the browser’s “reload” icon and created several new tabs of the Jets’ depth chart page, apparently suspecting the content would be updated at any moment. “Come on, come on,” said the third-year player, who at several points checked the analogous depth chart at SportsIllustrated.com “just in case they updated it first.” “Come on—it still says second string.” Shortly before falling asleep at 5:15 a.m., a bleary-eyed Tebow told reporters he was certain the number next to his name had, for a fraction of a second, switched to a three.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close