Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 26

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats exceeding 200 calories or those including trans fats.

Magic Skateboard

PBS 3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the magic skateboard and try to land a 360 varial inside the principal’s small intestine.

Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republic...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murder. “While this is a highly sensitive matter, I can confirm that [Tebow’s former teammate] has indeed been taken into custody,” said Massachusetts State Police Superintendent Timothy P. Alben, referring to the individual who reportedly knows Tim Tebow, has talked to Tim Tebow, and has spent time in the same locker room as Tebow following the deeply religious quarterback’s release from the New York Jets earlier this year. “As our probe is ongoing, we will have no official comment on [the man who played football with former University of Florida standout Tim Tebow, who continues his rollercoaster journey through the National Football league this year—a journey beset with NFL experts and fans constantly asking this question: Is Tim Tebow an NFL quarterback? And if not, is he capable of playing another position? And if not, does he belong in the league at all?]’s role in the investigation at this time.” When questioned by reporters, Alben was unable to provide an answer on how Tebow’s physical style of play and experience running the wildcat package would mesh with Patriots head coach Bill Belichick’s longstanding emphasis on the passing game.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More