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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murder. “While this is a highly sensitive matter, I can confirm that [Tebow’s former teammate] has indeed been taken into custody,” said Massachusetts State Police Superintendent Timothy P. Alben, referring to the individual who reportedly knows Tim Tebow, has talked to Tim Tebow, and has spent time in the same locker room as Tebow following the deeply religious quarterback’s release from the New York Jets earlier this year. “As our probe is ongoing, we will have no official comment on [the man who played football with former University of Florida standout Tim Tebow, who continues his rollercoaster journey through the National Football league this year—a journey beset with NFL experts and fans constantly asking this question: Is Tim Tebow an NFL quarterback? And if not, is he capable of playing another position? And if not, does he belong in the league at all?]’s role in the investigation at this time.” When questioned by reporters, Alben was unable to provide an answer on how Tebow’s physical style of play and experience running the wildcat package would mesh with Patriots head coach Bill Belichick’s longstanding emphasis on the passing game.

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