adBlockCheck

Timberwolves Beat Writer Running Out Of Ways To Say 'Defeated By'

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Timberwolves Beat Writer Running Out Of Ways To Say 'Defeated By'

MINNEAPOLIS—Rob Brittson, a Twin Cities sportswriter assigned to the Timberwolves beat, has had his stock of defeat-oriented phrases almost exhausted by Minnesota recording the NBA's second-worst record, Brittson told his fellow reporters Wednesday. "Well, Nets 92, T-Wolves 88—there goes 'Hunted To Extinction,'" said Brittson, crossing the phrase off a list that once included "Roadkill," "Defanged," "Wolf's Bane," and even "Pelted!" before the dismal season began to take its toll. "Pretty soon I'll be resorting to timber metaphors, like maybe 'Timberrr!' or 'Logging Out' or maybe even 'A Clear-Cut Loss.' Wait, no, that's horrible. Isn't it?" Brittson claims that loyalty will prevent him from turning the focus of his headlines to Timberwolves' opponents in weeks to come, even if Philadelphia deep-76es them, Utah slaps them down with the jazz hands, and Cleveland dismisses them in a cavalier fashion.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close