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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Timberwolves Beat Writer Running Out Of Ways To Say 'Defeated By'

MINNEAPOLIS—Rob Brittson, a Twin Cities sportswriter assigned to the Timberwolves beat, has had his stock of defeat-oriented phrases almost exhausted by Minnesota recording the NBA's second-worst record, Brittson told his fellow reporters Wednesday. "Well, Nets 92, T-Wolves 88—there goes 'Hunted To Extinction,'" said Brittson, crossing the phrase off a list that once included "Roadkill," "Defanged," "Wolf's Bane," and even "Pelted!" before the dismal season began to take its toll. "Pretty soon I'll be resorting to timber metaphors, like maybe 'Timberrr!' or 'Logging Out' or maybe even 'A Clear-Cut Loss.' Wait, no, that's horrible. Isn't it?" Brittson claims that loyalty will prevent him from turning the focus of his headlines to Timberwolves' opponents in weeks to come, even if Philadelphia deep-76es them, Utah slaps them down with the jazz hands, and Cleveland dismisses them in a cavalier fashion.

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