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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Time Magazine Just Six Months From Big Cocktail-Nation-Craze Story

NEW YORK—Zeitgeist-monitoring sources reported Monday that Time magazine is a mere six months from a major cover story on the pop-cultural phenomenon known as "Cocktail Nation"—the retro-lounge revival of the early-'60s swinging bachelor-pad lifestyle that rose to popularity in the early '90s. "It is important that Time keep its readers abreast of cutting-edge developments such as Cocktail Nation," said Time editor-in-chief Ted Schildkraut. "We were also the first to bring readers the ultra-hip 'Riot-Grrrrl' movement of late '80s, which we featured in a big, timely, December 1996 piece." Other popular-trend stories that Time plans to run in the future: "Cigar Chic," in May 1999; "Everybody's Moving To Seattle," in 2001; and "Rap: The Beat Of The Street," in late 2006.

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