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Tips

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:
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Time-Management Tips

In this era of faxing and multitasking, being able to effectively manage your time is essential. Here are some tips to help you maximize your work hours:

  • Hold daily, two-hour staff meetings to discuss ways to increase productivity and develop employees' time-management skills
  • Limit quality time with children and spouse to no more than 20 to 25 minutes a week
  • When making business calls, get right into it; avoid elaborate two-part greetings like, "Hi there, how are you?"
  • Kiss spouse goodbye five times before leaving for work Monday, allowing quicker exit from house for the rest of the week
  • Every time you miss a deadline, give yourself an electrical shock; every time you meet one, give yourself a pellet
  • Save time on the phone by yelling, "Shut up!" at the beginning of each conversation and then angrily slamming down receiver
  • Cryogenically freeze self solid during wasteful "between meetings" time
  • Keep map of office near desk to stay on top of most direct routes to other cubicles
  • When exiting building for lunch, don't waste time walking down stairs or taking elevator; plummet from roof of building to street below
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