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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Time-Management Tips

In this era of faxing and multitasking, being able to effectively manage your time is essential. Here are some tips to help you maximize your work hours:

  • Hold daily, two-hour staff meetings to discuss ways to increase productivity and develop employees' time-management skills
  • Limit quality time with children and spouse to no more than 20 to 25 minutes a week
  • When making business calls, get right into it; avoid elaborate two-part greetings like, "Hi there, how are you?"
  • Kiss spouse goodbye five times before leaving for work Monday, allowing quicker exit from house for the rest of the week
  • Every time you miss a deadline, give yourself an electrical shock; every time you meet one, give yourself a pellet
  • Save time on the phone by yelling, "Shut up!" at the beginning of each conversation and then angrily slamming down receiver
  • Cryogenically freeze self solid during wasteful "between meetings" time
  • Keep map of office near desk to stay on top of most direct routes to other cubicles
  • When exiting building for lunch, don't waste time walking down stairs or taking elevator; plummet from roof of building to street below
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    Top Family Vacation Spots

    With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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