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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Time Running Out On Second-Keg Fund Drive

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Keg-drive organizers at Florida State University's Delta Sigma Epsilon fraternity said they are "still significantly short" of the $52 needed to purchase a second Bud Ice keg before Ken's Drive-Thru Liquor closes at 1 a.m. "Dude, we still need, like, $18 more, and Ken's closes in 15 minutes," fraternity president Zach Duerst told potential pledgers in an impassioned 12:45 a.m. plea. "Please, give whatever you can spare. Every cent helps." Duerst expressed concern that the Tri-Delt girls are "totally gonna bail" if the beer runs out.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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