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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Time Running Out On Second-Keg Fund Drive

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Keg-drive organizers at Florida State University's Delta Sigma Epsilon fraternity said they are "still significantly short" of the $52 needed to purchase a second Bud Ice keg before Ken's Drive-Thru Liquor closes at 1 a.m. "Dude, we still need, like, $18 more, and Ken's closes in 15 minutes," fraternity president Zach Duerst told potential pledgers in an impassioned 12:45 a.m. plea. "Please, give whatever you can spare. Every cent helps." Duerst expressed concern that the Tri-Delt girls are "totally gonna bail" if the beer runs out.

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