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Vol 45 Issue 44

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its residents, the Davidson family.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of 20th-century comic realism, was reportedly enjoyed by 24-year-old web designer Ross Strickland Tuesday. "Nice," Strickland said as the credits rolled on Chaplin's magnum opus, a masterpiece of American cinema that was decades ahead of its time and whose themes of civic duty, compassion for the disabled, and honesty in business are just as relevant now as they were in 1931. "I liked it." Strickland later added that he found the silent feature's groundbreaking ending, which was meticulously choreographed by Chaplin in one of the greatest achievements of the filmmaker's 75-year career, "good."

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