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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money

LOS ANGELES—Police officers arrested Tina Turner this week on suspicion of arson, reckless endangerment, and insurance fraud, following allegations that the legendary R&B; singer burned down her legs for financial gain.

Turner insured her famous limbs for $3.2 million.

The arrest is the culmination of a month-long investigation into the four-alarm blaze that injured three firemen, threatened nearby properties, and completely destroyed Turner's lower extremities. Payment of a $3.2 million insurance policy the entertainer had on her legs will be put on hold until after trial.

"At first it appeared to be just another accidental fire," lead detective Jason Hendricks said. "However, something about Ms. Turner's story didn't add up. She claimed to have gone to the store, only to return an hour later and find her lower half already in flames. Yet evidence seems to suggest that Ms. Turner was at the scene of the crime the entire time."

Added Hendricks, "We have strong reason to believe Tina Turner burned herself down."

According to investigators, Turner was on hand to show officials around the scene of the tragedy, and seemed to exhibit genuine grief over the loss of her two legs. Though Turner initially blamed the fire on an electrical shortage, investigators noted that everything of value in the surrounding area, including a $600 pair of high heels, had been removed prior to the blaze.

Investigators sift through the charred remains of Turner's limbs.

Investigators also found evidence of an accelerant, and determined that Turner's ankles had been packed with newspapers and other flammable materials. A further search of the wreckage turned up a bottle of turpentine, as well as a quart of lighter fluid, though Turner denied owning either.

When confronted with the new findings, Turner claimed that she had witnessed several teenagers sneaking around her legs the night before, and offered brief descriptions of three African American youths in hooded sweatshirts.

"She had us convinced at first," said Michael Schwartz, another crime-scene detective, who carried the legendary singer to the L.A. precinct to be fingerprinted. "But when we discovered that Turner had taken out a second insurance policy, only days before the blaze, our suspicions were confirmed."

"It's amazing what a little bit of money can make a person do," Hendricks continued.

This is the latest in a string of high-profile insurance scams. Last year, Jennifer Lopez claimed her posterior had been damaged in a rear-end collision, but was later spotted taking the intact buttocks to the gym. In 2005, Eric Clapton told officials that his hands had been stolen, though a three-month investigation later revealed that they were only hidden inside a pair of roomy sleeves.

"We intend to prosecute this crime to the greatest extent we can," said District Attorney Robert Gower, speaking on the steps of the Los Angeles Superior Court. "I don't care who you are or what you've done, no one—not even Tina Turner—is above the law. Let's just say she'll soon be doing her private dancing behind bars. And without legs."

Because she has residences in London, France, and Switzerland, a federal judge has refused Turner bail, calling her a possible flight risk. Throughout it all, Turner's lawyers have insisted that the charges are "absurd," and that their client will be exonerated.

"A trial will find Ms. Turner innocent of all charges," attorney Anthony Puterman said. "Our client was devastated by the loss of her legs, as she has many fond memories of walking, running, and performing with them. They were very much a part of her."

"Careless though it may have been, this was just an accident," Puterman continued. "Those legs were old and dry. Anything could have set them off."

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