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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg

‘Hey! Down Here!’ Candidate Says

HOUSTON—In an effort to get the attention of the event’s moderator, a tiny Ben Carson reportedly waved his little arms and tugged at CNN political anchor Wolf Blitzer’s pant leg during Thursday night’s GOP debate. “Hey, look down here! It’s me, Ben Carson,” said the 6-inch-tall presidential candidate, bending over at the waist to catch his breath after frantically jumping up and down and pulling with all of his heart on the fabric around Blitzer’s ankle. “Wolf! Wolf! Down here! Come on, ask me a question too.” At press time, sources confirmed the squeaky, muffled voice of tiny Ben Carson could be heard mumbling about defunding Planned Parenthood from inside Blitzer’s coat pocket.

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