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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg

‘Hey! Down Here!’ Candidate Says

HOUSTON—In an effort to get the attention of the event’s moderator, a tiny Ben Carson reportedly waved his little arms and tugged at CNN political anchor Wolf Blitzer’s pant leg during Thursday night’s GOP debate. “Hey, look down here! It’s me, Ben Carson,” said the 6-inch-tall presidential candidate, bending over at the waist to catch his breath after frantically jumping up and down and pulling with all of his heart on the fabric around Blitzer’s ankle. “Wolf! Wolf! Down here! Come on, ask me a question too.” At press time, sources confirmed the squeaky, muffled voice of tiny Ben Carson could be heard mumbling about defunding Planned Parenthood from inside Blitzer’s coat pocket.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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