adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tip Of Area Man’s Tongue Refuses To Relinquish Richard Crenna’s Name

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Despite the best efforts of area resident Guy Reid, the tip of Reid’s tongue remained steadfast Tuesday in its refusal to relinquish the name of veteran film and television actor Richard Crenna. “It’s driving me crazy, it’s right on the tip of my tongue,” Reid, 29, said. “I can totally picture him—he’s been in a whole bunch of stuff. He played that one commander guy in the Rambo movies, and I’m almost positive he was also in that movie with Matt Dillon where they’re at the beach club. Robert... Raymond... Damn!” It is not known whether Reid’s tongue will relinquish the name any time soon. The tongue has previously withheld the names Hector Elizondo, Mark Linn-Baker and Ben Gazzara.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close