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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Tip Of Area Man’s Tongue Refuses To Relinquish Richard Crenna’s Name

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Despite the best efforts of area resident Guy Reid, the tip of Reid’s tongue remained steadfast Tuesday in its refusal to relinquish the name of veteran film and television actor Richard Crenna. “It’s driving me crazy, it’s right on the tip of my tongue,” Reid, 29, said. “I can totally picture him—he’s been in a whole bunch of stuff. He played that one commander guy in the Rambo movies, and I’m almost positive he was also in that movie with Matt Dillon where they’re at the beach club. Robert... Raymond... Damn!” It is not known whether Reid’s tongue will relinquish the name any time soon. The tongue has previously withheld the names Hector Elizondo, Mark Linn-Baker and Ben Gazzara.

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