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Tips For A Successful Marriage

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Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

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WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Tips For A Successful Marriage

Love is a partnership. Marriage, however, is an unbreakable contract under ZPG Law 7CZ23E, and is illegal to terminate. Here's some advice for maintaining a healthy and vibrant union:


  • Maintaining your communication chip is very important to a lifelong relationship. Update yours yearly on your anniversary.
  • As time goes on and partners get older, it can be difficult to maintain the passion in a relationship. Keep a couple clones of yourselves around the house to liven things up in the bedroom.
  • Be a considerate partner around the home. For example, why not surprise your wife by hydrating dinner yourself tonight?
  • Try to remember the good times, when all you did was stay in bed all afternoon and laugh and eat Chinese food, and all it took to make you happy was to come home to each other at the end of the day. Most couples download these and other great memories from the lost-paradise openband.
  • State-sanctioned polygamy is an effective means of preserving marital contentment. Consult the official polyfidelity web-core to add new dyads to your identity cluster.
  • Under strict international laws, you are forbidden from procreating in the hopes of rescuing a troubled marriage. However, there are no laws restricting the adoption of mutants.
  • Some books may claim that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but scientists disproved this myth during the Venusian archeological digs of the early '20s.
  • Even though human sentiment was largely eradicated in 2042, vestigial emotions occasionally arise. If this happens, a 60-day quarantine is mandated to prevent spousal infection.
  • As tempting as it may be to use time travel to resolve marital arguments, the approach is not recommended, as it tends to alter the history of mankind in spectacular and unforeseeable ways.
  • It's important to have realistic expectations for how marriage will affect you. For example, having a life partner does not "complete" you. A pair of surgically attached synthetic wings does the trick far better.
  • While it's a common myth that happily married couples read each other's minds, the reality is that happily married partners only use telepathy for the stock market and crime prevention.
  • Generations of married couples have relied on this age-old advice for maintaining a happy marriage: Never go into suspended animation angry.

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