adBlockCheck

Tips For A Successful Marriage

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tips For A Successful Marriage

Love is a partnership. Marriage, however, is an unbreakable contract under ZPG Law 7CZ23E, and is illegal to terminate. Here's some advice for maintaining a healthy and vibrant union:


  • Maintaining your communication chip is very important to a lifelong relationship. Update yours yearly on your anniversary.
  • As time goes on and partners get older, it can be difficult to maintain the passion in a relationship. Keep a couple clones of yourselves around the house to liven things up in the bedroom.
  • Be a considerate partner around the home. For example, why not surprise your wife by hydrating dinner yourself tonight?
  • Try to remember the good times, when all you did was stay in bed all afternoon and laugh and eat Chinese food, and all it took to make you happy was to come home to each other at the end of the day. Most couples download these and other great memories from the lost-paradise openband.
  • State-sanctioned polygamy is an effective means of preserving marital contentment. Consult the official polyfidelity web-core to add new dyads to your identity cluster.
  • Under strict international laws, you are forbidden from procreating in the hopes of rescuing a troubled marriage. However, there are no laws restricting the adoption of mutants.
  • Some books may claim that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but scientists disproved this myth during the Venusian archeological digs of the early '20s.
  • Even though human sentiment was largely eradicated in 2042, vestigial emotions occasionally arise. If this happens, a 60-day quarantine is mandated to prevent spousal infection.
  • As tempting as it may be to use time travel to resolve marital arguments, the approach is not recommended, as it tends to alter the history of mankind in spectacular and unforeseeable ways.
  • It's important to have realistic expectations for how marriage will affect you. For example, having a life partner does not "complete" you. A pair of surgically attached synthetic wings does the trick far better.
  • While it's a common myth that happily married couples read each other's minds, the reality is that happily married partners only use telepathy for the stock market and crime prevention.
  • Generations of married couples have relied on this age-old advice for maintaining a happy marriage: Never go into suspended animation angry.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close