adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tips For A Successful Marriage

Love is a partnership. Marriage, however, is an unbreakable contract under ZPG Law 7CZ23E, and is illegal to terminate. Here's some advice for maintaining a healthy and vibrant union:


  • Maintaining your communication chip is very important to a lifelong relationship. Update yours yearly on your anniversary.
  • As time goes on and partners get older, it can be difficult to maintain the passion in a relationship. Keep a couple clones of yourselves around the house to liven things up in the bedroom.
  • Be a considerate partner around the home. For example, why not surprise your wife by hydrating dinner yourself tonight?
  • Try to remember the good times, when all you did was stay in bed all afternoon and laugh and eat Chinese food, and all it took to make you happy was to come home to each other at the end of the day. Most couples download these and other great memories from the lost-paradise openband.
  • State-sanctioned polygamy is an effective means of preserving marital contentment. Consult the official polyfidelity web-core to add new dyads to your identity cluster.
  • Under strict international laws, you are forbidden from procreating in the hopes of rescuing a troubled marriage. However, there are no laws restricting the adoption of mutants.
  • Some books may claim that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but scientists disproved this myth during the Venusian archeological digs of the early '20s.
  • Even though human sentiment was largely eradicated in 2042, vestigial emotions occasionally arise. If this happens, a 60-day quarantine is mandated to prevent spousal infection.
  • As tempting as it may be to use time travel to resolve marital arguments, the approach is not recommended, as it tends to alter the history of mankind in spectacular and unforeseeable ways.
  • It's important to have realistic expectations for how marriage will affect you. For example, having a life partner does not "complete" you. A pair of surgically attached synthetic wings does the trick far better.
  • While it's a common myth that happily married couples read each other's minds, the reality is that happily married partners only use telepathy for the stock market and crime prevention.
  • Generations of married couples have relied on this age-old advice for maintaining a happy marriage: Never go into suspended animation angry.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close