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Tips For Dating In The Current Market

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Tips For Dating In The Current Market

If you're single, there's never been a better time to look for someone special. Dating standards are at record lows, which means it's a daters market! Here are a few tips on how to meet a romantic partner with the new lower dating standards:

1) Go up to anyone, wherever you are, whatever they look like, and introduce yourself. When standards were higher, daters were forced to assess whether a potential partner was “good enough” for them, but those days are gone.

2) Strike up a conversation. If the person doesn't speak English or speak at all, try to listen to his or her body language.

3) Find something you two have in common. Even if it's just that you both breathe, talk about that.

4) Start to flirt. If you're not quite ready to make physical contact with this person because he or she's twitching uncontrollably or covered in scabs, just flash him or her a coy smile.

5) Make up an excuse to meet up again. Tell your potential mate that you have to go to a parole meeting next Tuesday, too, or that you’ll be at the methadone Thursday as well.

7) Dress for success. Or don't, because it doesn't matter now that the standards have been lowered. Wear your sweats out to dinner if you want because it’s possible your date will be wearing a t-shirt and no bottoms.

8) Have an open mind. Remember, there are no “deal breakers” anymore. If your new partner has an elementary school education, an STD, a penchant for lying, or a collection of pet scorpions, remember it’s our differences that make us all special.

Good luck out there and let the romance begin!

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