Tips For Dating In The Current Market

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Tips For Dating In The Current Market

If you're single, there's never been a better time to look for someone special. Dating standards are at record lows, which means it's a daters market! Here are a few tips on how to meet a romantic partner with the new lower dating standards:

1) Go up to anyone, wherever you are, whatever they look like, and introduce yourself. When standards were higher, daters were forced to assess whether a potential partner was “good enough” for them, but those days are gone.

2) Strike up a conversation. If the person doesn't speak English or speak at all, try to listen to his or her body language.

3) Find something you two have in common. Even if it's just that you both breathe, talk about that.

4) Start to flirt. If you're not quite ready to make physical contact with this person because he or she's twitching uncontrollably or covered in scabs, just flash him or her a coy smile.

5) Make up an excuse to meet up again. Tell your potential mate that you have to go to a parole meeting next Tuesday, too, or that you’ll be at the methadone Thursday as well.

7) Dress for success. Or don't, because it doesn't matter now that the standards have been lowered. Wear your sweats out to dinner if you want because it’s possible your date will be wearing a t-shirt and no bottoms.

8) Have an open mind. Remember, there are no “deal breakers” anymore. If your new partner has an elementary school education, an STD, a penchant for lying, or a collection of pet scorpions, remember it’s our differences that make us all special.

Good luck out there and let the romance begin!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More