Tips For Dating In The Current Market

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Tips For Dating In The Current Market

If you're single, there's never been a better time to look for someone special. Dating standards are at record lows, which means it's a daters market! Here are a few tips on how to meet a romantic partner with the new lower dating standards:

1) Go up to anyone, wherever you are, whatever they look like, and introduce yourself. When standards were higher, daters were forced to assess whether a potential partner was “good enough” for them, but those days are gone.

2) Strike up a conversation. If the person doesn't speak English or speak at all, try to listen to his or her body language.

3) Find something you two have in common. Even if it's just that you both breathe, talk about that.

4) Start to flirt. If you're not quite ready to make physical contact with this person because he or she's twitching uncontrollably or covered in scabs, just flash him or her a coy smile.

5) Make up an excuse to meet up again. Tell your potential mate that you have to go to a parole meeting next Tuesday, too, or that you’ll be at the methadone Thursday as well.

7) Dress for success. Or don't, because it doesn't matter now that the standards have been lowered. Wear your sweats out to dinner if you want because it’s possible your date will be wearing a t-shirt and no bottoms.

8) Have an open mind. Remember, there are no “deal breakers” anymore. If your new partner has an elementary school education, an STD, a penchant for lying, or a collection of pet scorpions, remember it’s our differences that make us all special.

Good luck out there and let the romance begin!