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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Tired Twins Ask If They Can Stop Swinging Bat All The Way Around

MINNEAPOLIS—Exhausted from months of trying, to little avail, to hit the ball, the last-place Minnesota Twins gathered around manager Ron Gardenhire in the clubhouse Friday afternoon to ask if they could be allowed to stop swinging their bats all the way around. "We can just do the one where you hold your bat out there halfway with both hands and see if the ball hits it," suggested second baseman Alexi Casilla, who lately has been swinging all the way through a full 360 degrees but has yet to hit a home run this season. "Or we can just go up there and do nothing. Sometimes they let you go to first base if you just stand there for a while as the balls go by. That sounds like a good strategy to me." The Twins also asked if they could discontinue running toward batted balls to field them, saying that if everyone just waits around long enough with their gloves out, eventually the ball is bound to fall into one of them.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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