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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Titans Players Evenly Divided Amongst Bud Adams’ Next Of Kin

NASHVILLE, TN—Following last week’s death of Titans owner Bud Adams, the long-tenured executive’s next of kin have reportedly spent the past several days dividing up the team’s players in accordance with the wishes in the late owner’s last will and testament. “It’s been tough because most of them are pretty much worthless, but some at least have a little sentimental value,” said Susan Adams, one of the former owner’s two daughters who hoped her children would get some use out of Jake Locker. “You tell yourself they’re just things and you won’t let it cause problems, but then suddenly everyone is fighting over running back Chris Johnson.” While the majority of Titans had been distributed to Adams’ family and a few prized veterans were donated to local museums, punter Brett Kern was reportedly still sitting in a storage locker waiting to be claimed.

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