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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Titans Require Steve McNair To Pass Notary-Public Exam Before Returning To Team

NASHVILLE, TN—Titans general manager Floyd Reese announced Tuesday that, upon returning to the team's practice facility, Steve McNair would be required to meet with trainers to assess the condition of his torn pectoral muscle, take a standard NFL physical, meet with the head office concerning his contract, and take and pass the Tennessee State Notary Public exam. "It came to our attention that Steve failed his exit physical after last season, and we believe his inability to perform on the field could hurt the team just as much as his inability to settle grievances with Titans management or his current inability to officially witness or authenticate vital public documents," Reese said, refusing to acknowledge insinuations that he or the Titans were being unusually harsh to the veteran quarterback. "For the kind of money we're paying Steve, we think we have a right to expect an effective leader on the field and a certified notary public the rest of the time." McNair would not respond to Reese's requirements, saying only that studying for the team-mandated realtor's exam was taking up all his time this offseason.

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