adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Titans Require Steve McNair To Pass Notary-Public Exam Before Returning To Team

NASHVILLE, TN—Titans general manager Floyd Reese announced Tuesday that, upon returning to the team's practice facility, Steve McNair would be required to meet with trainers to assess the condition of his torn pectoral muscle, take a standard NFL physical, meet with the head office concerning his contract, and take and pass the Tennessee State Notary Public exam. "It came to our attention that Steve failed his exit physical after last season, and we believe his inability to perform on the field could hurt the team just as much as his inability to settle grievances with Titans management or his current inability to officially witness or authenticate vital public documents," Reese said, refusing to acknowledge insinuations that he or the Titans were being unusually harsh to the veteran quarterback. "For the kind of money we're paying Steve, we think we have a right to expect an effective leader on the field and a certified notary public the rest of the time." McNair would not respond to Reese's requirements, saying only that studying for the team-mandated realtor's exam was taking up all his time this offseason.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close