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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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TMZ Dayton Bureau Catches Secondhand Furniture-Store Owner Coming Out Of All-Night Truck Stop

DAYTON, OH—The Dayton bureau of the website TMZ.com has obtained photographs of used-furniture dealer Gerry Flanagan, the self-proclaimed Scratch-and-Dent King of Ohio, exiting the Copper Griddle truck stop well after 10 p.m. last night. "Looks like this former fatty—who claims his losses on reconditioned sofas are even bigger than the losses to his waistline—is trying to make up some lost ground," TMZ Dayton editor Rick Benton wrote in a blog post this morning. "If he keeps wallowing in the steak and egg special, this king's going to need a bigger throne!" Flanagan has already taken TMZ to court over photos of a "saucy—and somewhat 'cheeky'—swimsuit slip" he experienced while exiting his pickup truck at the beach last July.

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