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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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TMZ Dayton Bureau Catches Secondhand Furniture-Store Owner Coming Out Of All-Night Truck Stop

DAYTON, OH—The Dayton bureau of the website TMZ.com has obtained photographs of used-furniture dealer Gerry Flanagan, the self-proclaimed Scratch-and-Dent King of Ohio, exiting the Copper Griddle truck stop well after 10 p.m. last night. "Looks like this former fatty—who claims his losses on reconditioned sofas are even bigger than the losses to his waistline—is trying to make up some lost ground," TMZ Dayton editor Rick Benton wrote in a blog post this morning. "If he keeps wallowing in the steak and egg special, this king's going to need a bigger throne!" Flanagan has already taken TMZ to court over photos of a "saucy—and somewhat 'cheeky'—swimsuit slip" he experienced while exiting his pickup truck at the beach last July.

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