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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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TMZ Dayton Bureau Catches Secondhand Furniture-Store Owner Coming Out Of All-Night Truck Stop

DAYTON, OH—The Dayton bureau of the website TMZ.com has obtained photographs of used-furniture dealer Gerry Flanagan, the self-proclaimed Scratch-and-Dent King of Ohio, exiting the Copper Griddle truck stop well after 10 p.m. last night. "Looks like this former fatty—who claims his losses on reconditioned sofas are even bigger than the losses to his waistline—is trying to make up some lost ground," TMZ Dayton editor Rick Benton wrote in a blog post this morning. "If he keeps wallowing in the steak and egg special, this king's going to need a bigger throne!" Flanagan has already taken TMZ to court over photos of a "saucy—and somewhat 'cheeky'—swimsuit slip" he experienced while exiting his pickup truck at the beach last July.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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