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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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TNA Sources: Pacman Jones Kept Asking Where Doink The Clown Is

NASHVILLE—According to sources from Total Nonstop Action, the pro-wrestling league in which Adam "Pacman" Jones fought for the past two months, the suspended NFL star would not stop inquiring as to the whereabouts of such wrestlers as Doink The Clown, Bam Bam Bigelow, the Steiner Brothers, Big Boss Man, Marty Jannetty, and Lord Steven Regal. "Although he was enthusiastic, Mr. Jones continually asked if Typhoon and Earthquake were around, if he could be the first one to beat someone called 'Goldberg,' when Y2J is going to happen, if he could come out in the coveted 30th slot in the Royal Rumble, and when he can do a Diamond Cutter on someone," said TNA president Dixie Carter, whom Jones alternately referred to as "Bischoff," "McMahon," and "The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiasi." "We ultimately had to terminate his contract when, during his scheduled match, we found him up in the rafters looking for Sting, hoping to ask him if he was going to join the white and black or the Wolfpack." Though Jones is no longer a part of TNA wrestling, Carter confirmed that he receives four to six calls from Jones each day, demanding a private meeting with Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Mick Foley to address some "suspicions" he has.

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