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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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TNA Sources: Pacman Jones Kept Asking Where Doink The Clown Is

NASHVILLE—According to sources from Total Nonstop Action, the pro-wrestling league in which Adam "Pacman" Jones fought for the past two months, the suspended NFL star would not stop inquiring as to the whereabouts of such wrestlers as Doink The Clown, Bam Bam Bigelow, the Steiner Brothers, Big Boss Man, Marty Jannetty, and Lord Steven Regal. "Although he was enthusiastic, Mr. Jones continually asked if Typhoon and Earthquake were around, if he could be the first one to beat someone called 'Goldberg,' when Y2J is going to happen, if he could come out in the coveted 30th slot in the Royal Rumble, and when he can do a Diamond Cutter on someone," said TNA president Dixie Carter, whom Jones alternately referred to as "Bischoff," "McMahon," and "The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiasi." "We ultimately had to terminate his contract when, during his scheduled match, we found him up in the rafters looking for Sting, hoping to ask him if he was going to join the white and black or the Wolfpack." Though Jones is no longer a part of TNA wrestling, Carter confirmed that he receives four to six calls from Jones each day, demanding a private meeting with Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Mick Foley to address some "suspicions" he has.

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