adBlockCheck

TNA Sources: Pacman Jones Kept Asking Where Doink The Clown Is

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

TNA Sources: Pacman Jones Kept Asking Where Doink The Clown Is

NASHVILLE—According to sources from Total Nonstop Action, the pro-wrestling league in which Adam "Pacman" Jones fought for the past two months, the suspended NFL star would not stop inquiring as to the whereabouts of such wrestlers as Doink The Clown, Bam Bam Bigelow, the Steiner Brothers, Big Boss Man, Marty Jannetty, and Lord Steven Regal. "Although he was enthusiastic, Mr. Jones continually asked if Typhoon and Earthquake were around, if he could be the first one to beat someone called 'Goldberg,' when Y2J is going to happen, if he could come out in the coveted 30th slot in the Royal Rumble, and when he can do a Diamond Cutter on someone," said TNA president Dixie Carter, whom Jones alternately referred to as "Bischoff," "McMahon," and "The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiasi." "We ultimately had to terminate his contract when, during his scheduled match, we found him up in the rafters looking for Sting, hoping to ask him if he was going to join the white and black or the Wolfpack." Though Jones is no longer a part of TNA wrestling, Carter confirmed that he receives four to six calls from Jones each day, demanding a private meeting with Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Mick Foley to address some "suspicions" he has.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close