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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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T.O. In Dallas: The Next Michael Irvin Or The Next Michael Irvin?

DALLAS—While Cowboys fans are hailing talented, physically dominant wide receiver Terrell Owens' debut in Dallas as the coming of a new Michael Irvin, football analysts are warning that the flamboyant, outspoken locker-room distraction may instead turn out to be another Michael Irvin. "You've got to respect the talent of a player who, much like Michael Irvin before him, can't be kept out of the end zone and changes the way the game is played at his position," said Rick Gosselin, who covered Irvin's career as an eager sports columnist and reluctant police-beat reporter for the Dallas Morning News. "But no one has any respect for a big-mouthed Michael Irvin-style player who can't keep his name out of the papers and changes the way people think of the Cowboys." Former Dallas quarterback Troy Aikman, who played with Irvin in three Super Bowls, has publicly expressed belief in Owens' ability to equal at least one of Irvin's legacies, but added that no one would know until Owens lies motionless on the turf with a career-ending spinal-cord injury.

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