adBlockCheck

T.O. In Dallas: The Next Michael Irvin Or The Next Michael Irvin?

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

T.O. In Dallas: The Next Michael Irvin Or The Next Michael Irvin?

DALLAS—While Cowboys fans are hailing talented, physically dominant wide receiver Terrell Owens' debut in Dallas as the coming of a new Michael Irvin, football analysts are warning that the flamboyant, outspoken locker-room distraction may instead turn out to be another Michael Irvin. "You've got to respect the talent of a player who, much like Michael Irvin before him, can't be kept out of the end zone and changes the way the game is played at his position," said Rick Gosselin, who covered Irvin's career as an eager sports columnist and reluctant police-beat reporter for the Dallas Morning News. "But no one has any respect for a big-mouthed Michael Irvin-style player who can't keep his name out of the papers and changes the way people think of the Cowboys." Former Dallas quarterback Troy Aikman, who played with Irvin in three Super Bowls, has publicly expressed belief in Owens' ability to equal at least one of Irvin's legacies, but added that no one would know until Owens lies motionless on the turf with a career-ending spinal-cord injury.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close