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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Toad On The Road!

Last year we strapped the Toad down to the back of a flatbed truck and brought him all over America, and it went so well (lawsuits pending) that we decided to truck him back out! See if he's stopping by a town near YOU!

Lubbock, Texas - The Toad's gonna roll into town and get thrown in the Lubbock Freak's own dunk tank! Even if you do hit the nozzle, His Greenness may whip out the old Levitating Toad trick!

Peoria, Illinois - Still not legal for the Toad to set foot in Illinois, but what are they going to do, stop him? He's a force of nature!

Felton, California - Watch as the Toad communes with nature! The Toad can talk to trees and feel their life force and their energy...maybe they'll know if the Giants can repeat this year!

Utica, New York - Tick Tock! The Toad knows when every athlete's going to die and he'll reveal the death dates of three major sports stars in old Utica. Hint: Albert Pujols is one of them!

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - It's Toad Days in old LA, and they really go all out. Parades, naked women feeding the Toad fish-heads with their teeth, and animal sacrifice. They worship him as a god and he deserves every minute of it!

Las Vegas, Nevada - The Toad is opening up a new OSN casino, called In The Zone! The Toad loves opening casinos, despite last year's dog-killing incident.

Los Angeles, California - Ante up, Toad fans: the Toad is playing a private show at Bruce Willis's estate! Toad predicted Demi/Ashton and how poorly Red would do, so the sparks my fly.

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