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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Toad On The Road!

Last year we strapped the Toad down to the back of a flatbed truck and brought him all over America, and it went so well (lawsuits pending) that we decided to truck him back out! See if he's stopping by a town near YOU!

Lubbock, Texas - The Toad's gonna roll into town and get thrown in the Lubbock Freak's own dunk tank! Even if you do hit the nozzle, His Greenness may whip out the old Levitating Toad trick!

Peoria, Illinois - Still not legal for the Toad to set foot in Illinois, but what are they going to do, stop him? He's a force of nature!

Felton, California - Watch as the Toad communes with nature! The Toad can talk to trees and feel their life force and their energy...maybe they'll know if the Giants can repeat this year!

Utica, New York - Tick Tock! The Toad knows when every athlete's going to die and he'll reveal the death dates of three major sports stars in old Utica. Hint: Albert Pujols is one of them!

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - It's Toad Days in old LA, and they really go all out. Parades, naked women feeding the Toad fish-heads with their teeth, and animal sacrifice. They worship him as a god and he deserves every minute of it!

Las Vegas, Nevada - The Toad is opening up a new OSN casino, called In The Zone! The Toad loves opening casinos, despite last year's dog-killing incident.

Los Angeles, California - Ante up, Toad fans: the Toad is playing a private show at Bruce Willis's estate! Toad predicted Demi/Ashton and how poorly Red would do, so the sparks my fly.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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