Toad On The Road!

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Toad On The Road!

Last year we strapped the Toad down to the back of a flatbed truck and brought him all over America, and it went so well (lawsuits pending) that we decided to truck him back out! See if he's stopping by a town near YOU!

Lubbock, Texas - The Toad's gonna roll into town and get thrown in the Lubbock Freak's own dunk tank! Even if you do hit the nozzle, His Greenness may whip out the old Levitating Toad trick!

Peoria, Illinois - Still not legal for the Toad to set foot in Illinois, but what are they going to do, stop him? He's a force of nature!

Felton, California - Watch as the Toad communes with nature! The Toad can talk to trees and feel their life force and their energy...maybe they'll know if the Giants can repeat this year!

Utica, New York - Tick Tock! The Toad knows when every athlete's going to die and he'll reveal the death dates of three major sports stars in old Utica. Hint: Albert Pujols is one of them!

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - It's Toad Days in old LA, and they really go all out. Parades, naked women feeding the Toad fish-heads with their teeth, and animal sacrifice. They worship him as a god and he deserves every minute of it!

Las Vegas, Nevada - The Toad is opening up a new OSN casino, called In The Zone! The Toad loves opening casinos, despite last year's dog-killing incident.

Los Angeles, California - Ante up, Toad fans: the Toad is playing a private show at Bruce Willis's estate! Toad predicted Demi/Ashton and how poorly Red would do, so the sparks my fly.


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