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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
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Tobacco Companies Ordered To Pay Reparations Of $800 Billion In Camel Cash

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—As part of the most severe federal restrictions ever placed on the tobacco industry, Congress on Monday ordered cigarette manufacturers to pay restitution to thousands of smoking victims in the amount of $800 billion in Camel Cash.

"This is no mere slap on the wrist," Dan Stone, Mississippi attorney general and chief prosecutor against the Big Three, said."These companies will have to hand out literally billions of dollars in Camel Cash, redeemable for attractive, exciting promotional gear, all at the tobacco industry's expense."

The cost of the reparations will be split evenly among all the companies named in the suit. Philip Morris will reimburse RJR by paying an equivalent value in Marlboro Miles, which the RJR board of directors may either convert to Camel Cash or exchange for its equivalent value in Benson & Hedges Bucks, tobacco manufacturer Brown & Williamson's standard unit of currency.

Anti-tobacco lobbyists are elated by the judgment. "At last the makers of deadly tobacco products are being held accountable for their actions," said Ed Young of the American Public Health Institute. "In the future, these companies will think twice before deceiving and poisoning the public. And if they do, they'd better stock up on beach towels and compasses."

Sherilyn Thomas, 20, of Hialeah, FL, whose father died of lung cancer at 47, will be paid over 40,000 Camel bucks for her family's loss. "I may have lost my father at an early age," Thomas said, "but at least I will forever know that justice was served in the form of this stylish five-pocket canvas duffel bag."

As part of a special goodwill clause in the settlement, tobacco companies will also donate over $400 million in colorful cigarette ads to Third World magazines and newspapers. The companies will also donate more than $250 million in cigarette billboards to struggling, billboard-impoverished Asian and Eastern European nations.

Smoker Randall Marsh, 44, diagnosed in May with throat cancer, is pleased that a strong message is finally being sent to the tobacco industry. "Like most smokers, I enjoy rugged, hardy outdoor activity," Marsh said. "And with my new Adventure Team tent, I can rest assured knowing I'll have camping-trip getaways to look forward to in between chemotherapy treatments."

If at any time during Marsh's cancer treatment his condition is declared incurable, he will instantly become eligible for an exclusive week's vacation at the "Club Camel" luxury resort in Phoenix. Also available to terminally ill smokers: an unprecedented 35 percent lifetime discount on cigarettes.

"We are complying fully with the government's decision in this matter," said Philip Morris CEO Ron Burks, whose company has voluntarily agreed to give the government a $75 million rebate on its controversial Newport Lights urban assault vehicle, currently being developed under contract for the military.

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