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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite

NEW YORK—While reading in a wet, tattered copy of the New York Post about musician Lou Reed’s death as she waited in line for methadone outside the Bellevue Offsite Clinic in New York’s East Village this morning, homeless transvestite heroin addict Cookie Williams confirmed to reporters that today was going to be an especially rough day for her. “Even by the standard of how a day usually goes for me, I think today is now officially shaping up to be a doozy,” said Williams, 38, adding that hearing the news of the rock legend and Velvet Underground founder’s death at age 71 was “pretty much the last thing [she] needed” after waking up to infected blister pains this morning. “Granted, if you take away Lou Reed’s death, we’re still looking at a real motherfucker of a day for me, no question. But this sure as hell ain’t helping.” Williams later told reporters that, given the news, she was just going to take it easy today and nod off in Tompkins Square Park for 11 hours straight.

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