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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite

NEW YORK—While reading in a wet, tattered copy of the New York Post about musician Lou Reed’s death as she waited in line for methadone outside the Bellevue Offsite Clinic in New York’s East Village this morning, homeless transvestite heroin addict Cookie Williams confirmed to reporters that today was going to be an especially rough day for her. “Even by the standard of how a day usually goes for me, I think today is now officially shaping up to be a doozy,” said Williams, 38, adding that hearing the news of the rock legend and Velvet Underground founder’s death at age 71 was “pretty much the last thing [she] needed” after waking up to infected blister pains this morning. “Granted, if you take away Lou Reed’s death, we’re still looking at a real motherfucker of a day for me, no question. But this sure as hell ain’t helping.” Williams later told reporters that, given the news, she was just going to take it easy today and nod off in Tompkins Square Park for 11 hours straight.

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