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Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite

NEW YORK—While reading in a wet, tattered copy of the New York Post about musician Lou Reed’s death as she waited in line for methadone outside the Bellevue Offsite Clinic in New York’s East Village this morning, homeless transvestite heroin addict Cookie Williams confirmed to reporters that today was going to be an especially rough day for her. “Even by the standard of how a day usually goes for me, I think today is now officially shaping up to be a doozy,” said Williams, 38, adding that hearing the news of the rock legend and Velvet Underground founder’s death at age 71 was “pretty much the last thing [she] needed” after waking up to infected blister pains this morning. “Granted, if you take away Lou Reed’s death, we’re still looking at a real motherfucker of a day for me, no question. But this sure as hell ain’t helping.” Williams later told reporters that, given the news, she was just going to take it easy today and nod off in Tompkins Square Park for 11 hours straight.

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