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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong

ST. LOUIS—Following a disappointing loss in his state’s U.S. Senate race to incumbent Claire McCaskill, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) told reporters Wednesday that he spent all of last night racking his brain and trying to figure out what had gone wrong with his campaign. “I don’t know what happened. I was polling really well until late August, but then it all just kind of unraveled,” said Akin, adding that he was “still piecing together” the causes of his collapse. “I just keep replaying those weeks and months over and over in my head, searching for something, anything, that I could have said or done differently, and absolutely nothing comes to mind. Maybe it was my views on tax reform that did me in. I don’t know.” Akin then reportedly called his friend, fellow defeated Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, to offer his condolences and remark on “what a crazy, random world we live in.”

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