adBlockCheck

Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong

Top Headlines

Politics

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong

ST. LOUIS—Following a disappointing loss in his state’s U.S. Senate race to incumbent Claire McCaskill, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) told reporters Wednesday that he spent all of last night racking his brain and trying to figure out what had gone wrong with his campaign. “I don’t know what happened. I was polling really well until late August, but then it all just kind of unraveled,” said Akin, adding that he was “still piecing together” the causes of his collapse. “I just keep replaying those weeks and months over and over in my head, searching for something, anything, that I could have said or done differently, and absolutely nothing comes to mind. Maybe it was my views on tax reform that did me in. I don’t know.” Akin then reportedly called his friend, fellow defeated Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, to offer his condolences and remark on “what a crazy, random world we live in.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close