DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
DENVER—Shortly after being selected in the second round of a local online fantasy-baseball draft, Rockies All-Star first-baseman Todd Helton announced Monday that he would much rather play for "any of the other 11 teams in the league." "I've played for this guy in the past, and he has no idea how to manage his team, and often loses interest and stops competing after just a couple months," Helton said, referring to Mets 4 Life owner and Trenton-area pizza-delivery man Ryan Sheehy. "Last season, I got off to a bit of a slow start, and the guy benches me the rest of the year in favor of Doug Mientkiewicz. I lose enough as a member of the Rockies. I just wish I could play for a capable manager like [The Damon Connection's] Mike Broberg or [Smilin' Joe Randa's] Garrett Baldwin." Helton added that, if it were worth the effort to find a way to contact Sheehy, he would demand a trade.