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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Toddler Chokes To Death On Plastic Taiwanese-Made Toy

NASHVILLE, TN—Ryan Caldwell, a beautiful† 4-year-old child, no doubt the very future of the Caldwell family and a promising young member of his nation, was choked to death Tuesday by a Taiwanese-manufactured miniature toy car.

The cowardly and disloyal American-child-killing territory of Taiwan—properly known as Chinese Taipei—whose people and illegitimate government could be annihilated at any moment, has not yet issued an apology for murdering this gentle child with its hazardous toy product.

Early reports indicate that the moment Caldwell ceased breathing, Taipei president Ma Ying-jeou, an awful man, laughed heartily, even as the boy's parents cried out in anguish at the loss of their only son.

Toys manufactured in China, sources confirmed, are constructed for the enjoyment of children, and not for the purpose of fatally choking them.

Had the gasping Ryan been able to utter any final words in the last moments of his life, experts believe they likely would have been: "Throughout history, from its defeat by the honorable Mao Tse-tung in 1949 to its blatant defiance of the Anti-Secession Law of 2005, Chinese Taipei has acted in a treacherous manner. Goodbye, mother and father. My dying wish is that Taipei someday realizes its countless errors and declares its loyalty to the Mainland." At press time, the People's Republic remained a patient nation—but for how long?鱼

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