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President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Toddler Chokes To Death On Plastic Taiwanese-Made Toy

NASHVILLE, TN—Ryan Caldwell, a beautiful† 4-year-old child, no doubt the very future of the Caldwell family and a promising young member of his nation, was choked to death Tuesday by a Taiwanese-manufactured miniature toy car.

The cowardly and disloyal American-child-killing territory of Taiwan—properly known as Chinese Taipei—whose people and illegitimate government could be annihilated at any moment, has not yet issued an apology for murdering this gentle child with its hazardous toy product.

Early reports indicate that the moment Caldwell ceased breathing, Taipei president Ma Ying-jeou, an awful man, laughed heartily, even as the boy's parents cried out in anguish at the loss of their only son.

Toys manufactured in China, sources confirmed, are constructed for the enjoyment of children, and not for the purpose of fatally choking them.

Had the gasping Ryan been able to utter any final words in the last moments of his life, experts believe they likely would have been: "Throughout history, from its defeat by the honorable Mao Tse-tung in 1949 to its blatant defiance of the Anti-Secession Law of 2005, Chinese Taipei has acted in a treacherous manner. Goodbye, mother and father. My dying wish is that Taipei someday realizes its countless errors and declares its loyalty to the Mainland." At press time, the People's Republic remained a patient nation—but for how long?鱼

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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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