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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Toddler Chokes To Death On Plastic Taiwanese-Made Toy

NASHVILLE, TN—Ryan Caldwell, a beautiful† 4-year-old child, no doubt the very future of the Caldwell family and a promising young member of his nation, was choked to death Tuesday by a Taiwanese-manufactured miniature toy car.

The cowardly and disloyal American-child-killing territory of Taiwan—properly known as Chinese Taipei—whose people and illegitimate government could be annihilated at any moment, has not yet issued an apology for murdering this gentle child with its hazardous toy product.

Early reports indicate that the moment Caldwell ceased breathing, Taipei president Ma Ying-jeou, an awful man, laughed heartily, even as the boy's parents cried out in anguish at the loss of their only son.

Toys manufactured in China, sources confirmed, are constructed for the enjoyment of children, and not for the purpose of fatally choking them.

Had the gasping Ryan been able to utter any final words in the last moments of his life, experts believe they likely would have been: "Throughout history, from its defeat by the honorable Mao Tse-tung in 1949 to its blatant defiance of the Anti-Secession Law of 2005, Chinese Taipei has acted in a treacherous manner. Goodbye, mother and father. My dying wish is that Taipei someday realizes its countless errors and declares its loyalty to the Mainland." At press time, the People's Republic remained a patient nation—but for how long?鱼

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